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TL;DR:
Many adults who grew up overseas as missionary kids later discover that their sense of being "different" reflects experiences shared by other third culture kids (TCKs). Growing up across cultures can shape identity, relationships, and a sense of belonging. This background may bring strengths such as adaptability and a global perspective, along with challenges involving transition, loss, and grief. Understanding both can help families, churches, and counselors offer thoughtful support.
by John and Diane Larsen
At the time of original publication, psychologist John Larsen had worked for 29 years at the Midwest Christian Counseling Center in Kansas City, Missouri, and was in private practice. Diane Larsen was the public relations and media coordinator at the Marillac Center.
For the greater part of my life, I (John) have lived with an inner sense of being different. On the outside, I might look like an ordinary guy. Internally, I have felt "out of sync" with my peers. Since I had no explanation for this feeling, I attributed it to some sort of personal flaw. When I was in my mid-40s, my wife Diane's research introduced me to the concept of the "third culture kid" (TCK). At that point, pieces of a lifelong puzzle finally fell into place.
The term "third culture experience" gave a name to an experience I had lived as the son of missionaries but had not understood. As I read descriptions of this phenomenon, they spoke to me at the very core of my being.
TCKs' experiences can involve psychological dynamics that differ from those of people raised within a single culture. Counselors who work with TCKs therefore need to understand the issues these clients may face. Our ethical mandate to practice within an area of competence calls for familiarity with these clients' cultural backgrounds and individual experiences.
First of all, third culture kid does not refer to a person from a Third World country. A third culture is formed when persons of dissimilar cultures interact in a conscious attempt to create new ways of relating to and understanding one another. Typical "third culture builders" are missionaries, military and foreign service personnel, or business families who spend large blocks of time as "expats" working abroad. TCKs are the children of these adult third culture builders.
Adults who move abroad often retain a strong identification with their culture of origin. Their children may draw on elements of both parental and host cultures as they grow up, developing a shared experience of living across cultures. This is the sense in which the term 'third culture' is used. TCKs may relate to several cultures without feeling fully at home in any one of them. Some feel a particular connection with other TCKs who share this experience of bridging cultures.
Enculturation is the process by which we learn to function according to the norms of a given culture. That culture helps shape values, basic social skills, verbal and nonverbal communication styles, perceptions of reality, and worldviews. Culture helps form who we are and how we understand, interpret, and relate to our environment. Accordingly, the TCK's manner of thinking, perceiving, feeling, and relating to others is greatly influenced by his or her particular multicultural history.
TCKs may bring expectations learned in one culture to encounters in another. For example, even today I must work at maintaining eye contact when speaking to an American. In the setting where I grew up, children were taught that looking directly at someone while speaking could be disrespectful. Looking away became a habit at an early age. Despite my efforts to change this pattern, it has persisted into my adult life.
TCKs vary in how they integrate their cultural experiences. The degree of difference between parental and host cultures can affect this process. Family relationships, schooling, community support, and individual circumstances also influence it.
When counseling TCKs, clinicians should pay attention to their experiences of entering their current country of residence. Earlier research explored the adjustment of young people returning from overseas, including missionary kids (MKs). These experiences can involve substantial challenges.1 One study distinguished between primary MKs (born overseas or moving there before age six) and secondary MKs (moving abroad after age six).2 Counselors should consider each person's history rather than assume that all MKs adjust in the same way.
One model of cross-cultural adjustment describes an initial period of excitement, followed by disillusionment as differences become more apparent. Some people then experience hostility, withdraw from the surrounding culture, or long to return "home." Greater familiarity with cultural cues and the development of meaningful relationships may gradually bring increased confidence and independence. In this model, cultural relativism means understanding behavior in its cultural context. These stages describe one model of adjustment: individuals may experience them differently, revisit earlier stages, or not experience every stage.
Some TCKs struggle with adjustment issues over many years. Understanding patterns of cross-cultural adjustment may help them make sense of their experiences and identify useful next steps. A culturally competent counselor can support that process.
In our discussion of issues that frequently arise in counseling TCKs, we will focus on MKs, a TCK subgroup that Christian counselors may encounter in their practices. Understanding the internal processes that the MK may be unable to articulate and may not even consciously be aware of will prepare the counselor to best aid in adjustment and healing.
Some MKs may be wary of seeking professional help. Counselors can provide an environment of psychological safety through an accepting, empathic approach. Showing interest in clients' cross-cultural experiences and allowing them to tell their stories in their own words can help build trust.
The Christian counselor must be especially sensitive to the emotional pain and high sense of vulnerability felt by the MK client. Failure to do so can result in the loss of a client. The counselor must be especially skilled in assessing and accepting the MK's relationship with God.
Being asked "Where are you from?" can sometimes be distressing to MKs. A response requires telling one's story, not just naming a place. MKs may not be comfortable sharing their story with the person inquiring. The question may also trigger a bit of pain involving confusion about belonging.
MKs sometimes find it difficult to meet the human need to feel rooted in a community of people with shared experiences. For some, the longing to belong and the pain of feeling out of place can persist. An MK friend described his sensations as "the feeling of being naked in church on Sunday morning." Downie referred to the phenomenon as "being part of and apart from."3 These clients may relate to metaphors such as living in a "twilight zone" or functioning on the "margins" of a society in which they do not feel completely at home.
Closely related to the problem of not belonging is the issue of identity. "Who am I?" can be a difficult question to answer, even for monocultural individuals. Answering the "Who am I?" question can be especially complex for an MK.
For some MKs, a positive connection with their family and its ministry can support a sense of identity. Others may struggle with painful experiences, family conflict, or questions of faith. Counselors should explore these experiences without assuming that religious doubt or a change in belief causes identity confusion. Helping clients understand and integrate their multicultural history can support this work.
For some who were sent away to boarding school or a children's home, grief may be a lasting legacy. Some children lack the emotional resources and support needed to cope with prolonged separation from their parents. Their distress may interfere with normal developmental tasks. One friend remarked, "I, the man, may be 42 years old, but the frightened, grieving boy is still within me."
Missionary-sending organizations can help families prepare for separation and provide professional support when needed. Some adult MKs recall being left to deal with childhood grief and loss with little assistance. In some settings, the conviction that separation was necessary to advance the Lord's work was treated as sufficient comfort. Parents and children sometimes withheld their pain to protect one another from further suffering. Unresolved pain related to parental separation can become an important focus of counseling.
At some boarding schools or children's homes, crying when one's parents departed was viewed as a weakness. Some MKs recall little opportunity to discuss their pain with peers or receive support for grieving. They sometimes developed private rituals to cope with separation. For some adult MKs, unresolved grief and anger remain areas of vulnerability.
MKs follow varied paths in matters of faith. The following patterns describe some possible experiences; they are neither exhaustive nor fixed categories:
When working with clients who feel alienated or ambivalent, counselors should make room for painful feelings and seek to understand their basis. Even seasoned clinicians can fall into the trap of trying to talk clients out of a feeling. Clients who do not feel understood may withdraw from counseling.
Counselors can help clients acknowledge and process painful experiences, creating opportunities for healing.
For some MKs, feelings of abandonment related to early separation from parents complicate their relationship with God. Children may conclude that their parents care more about their work than about them. Some who were not sent away to school report similar feelings. When God becomes associated with these painful experiences, rebuilding trust can take time.
A sensitive Christian counselor can support healing in these clients' relationships with God, respecting their questions and beliefs while communicating grace and acceptance. Counselors should recognize that clients may associate them with their parents because both hold Christian roles. Clients who are sensitive to abandonment need consistent support within clear therapeutic boundaries. Healing may develop gradually as a steady, accepting therapeutic relationship helps clients experience God's love.
The culturally competent counselor understands the vulnerabilities of clients in a particular cultural group but also affirms their strengths, seeking always to maximize these. Although MK clients may look and act like their peers, they may process information and experience life differently. Being mindful of that is a key to therapeutic success.
TCKs can be talented, resourceful persons who relate with great facility across cultural boundaries. Adaptability is a strength seen in many who have sustained multiple moves in childhood. Such people often display an adventuresome spirit and enjoy a highly developed sense of humor. Coping skills developed through cross-cultural experiences may help them navigate unfamiliar or difficult situations. Counselors can help clients recognize which strategies continue to serve them well.
Multilingual skills and a global perspective can equip TCKs for careers in an interconnected world. Some TCKs underestimate or devalue these abilities.
TCKs have had significant life experiences that can bring both strengths and challenges. Some need help to identify and process pain associated with the formative experiences in which they learned to bridge cultures. Christian counselors can help them understand and value their diverse experiences and abilities. Healing can occur as TCK clients learn to understand and value themselves within an accepting counseling relationship and experience the grace of a loving God.
This article originally appeared in Christian Counseling Today, a journal published by Christian Counseling Resources for the American Association of Christian Counselors. Edited and used by permission.
Missionary kids (MKs) are one subgroup of third culture kids (TCKs). Some were born abroad and visited their parents' passport country only occasionally during childhood. The broader TCK category also includes children of military personnel, diplomats, and international business workers.
— Howard Culbertson, hculbert@snu.edu
